Cleaning House

There comes a time when we must all do a bit of cleaning in our lives. Yes, we have to scrub floors, walls and toilets but today I'm referring to a different type of cleaning. Today I'm getting rid of, for good, an extremely emotional draining relationship that has caused me nothing but drama for the past several years.


I think it's safe to say that most people encounter this situation at some point. You have a friend that you've kept around just because he/she has always been there even though you have no desire or energy to nurture the relationship anymore. The conversations are dry. Sometimes combative.

In my particular situation, I think this woman just does not, can not and will not attempt to understand that life does not always go as planned. Life is part of a forever changing continuum and those who refuse to go along for the ride eventually get left behind.


Lots of people experience this for the first time when they graduate from high school. We make promises that we'll be friends forever, no matter what. And I'm sure the intentions are pure, we just have no idea that often times the promise is empty. And we try, really we do. But people go away to a far off college, join the military or just move away. Sometimes we get married. Whatever the case may be, people grow apart. Priorities change. We no longer have time for the 2 hour long conversations at 1am about the guy you met at the bar. Some of us grow up and others don't. I grew up.


For me, I learned a lot about the personal relationships in my life when I got married. Non-married girlfriends don't always understand the dynamics of a husband and wife. But then again, why should they? For the most part, this is a non-issue. However, one person in particular, always seems to find a way to attack the way I live my life and my marriage. At first, I tried to explain how things change after you get married. Especially when there is a child involved. I tried to help her understand the effort that is involved in making sure things run smoothly at home. I attempted to explain how my standards of happiness have changed from material things to emotional wealth. Anyone who is married with children, or who is a parent can relate, I'm sure, to the fact that running a house is not always an easy feat. No longer is it appropriate to only worry about yourself. Don't get me wrong, I don't ever put my friends on the back burner, but my family comes first. Period.


I am happy. I feel that thus far, my life has been a success. I have learned that success in life is not always measured by what job you have, how many degrees you hold or how many hours a week you work. Success is different things to different people. My idea of exactly what it means to be successful has changed several times over my 29 years on this earth. However, one thing is for sure, and I have learned it from my husband, success and happiness often go hand and hand. And when I realized that this so called friend of mine was incapable of accepting that this is my point of view, (for my own life, not hers) I knew it was time to put the friendship to rest. I don't need people in my life who judge the choices I make. Who refuse to be happy for me because they chose a different path in life and define things differently. I need supportive and positive people surrounding me. Not someone who attacks me when I don't answer a phone call and assumes the reason is because my marriage is in a rocky place or the kid pissed me off. Often times she even takes it personally and starts an argument that never gets resolved because there was never a basis for it to begin with. I don't have the time nor the patience for needy co-dependant people who make unwelcome attempts at analyzing my life.

Sometimes the end of a relationship is not always a direct result of how that person treats you. Sometimes you just get tired of all the negativity. Who wants to talk to someone when 90% of the conversation is "woe is me"? Married women do not want to hear about the affairs other women have with married men. We all know that misery loves company and I'm no longer interested in being that companion. Furthermore, I don't want to talk to someone who is constantly bad mouthing other people that I care about in a selfish attempt to get me on their side. No thanks, we're not in pre-school anymore and we can't kick people out of sandboxes when someone in the circle of friends has a little tiff.


I talk to my friends on a pretty regular basis. At least a few times a week, often more. Certain people, a few times a day. But in the event there is an absence in communication, my true friends never ask "why?" beyond the point of inquiring if everything is alright. They don't take it personally, they respect the fact that I have a family to care for and things often become hectic out of the blue. And I do the same for them. To those friends that I speak of, and you know who you are, thank you, and I love you.


Friendships should not be a burden. They should not be a constant battle. Sometimes things change, people change and we have to deal with those changes accordingly or the relationships can not possibly be expected to survive. Today, I have realized a relationship that I've had for almost 15 years must come to an end, for good. It's toxic, causes me stress and I'm no longer willing to try and repair it. Sometimes it is just better to understand that all damages can't be repaired. I must chalk it up as a loss and put my garbage on the curb.


Before I end I'd like to share something that rings so true to me and the judgements that have been made against me:

Happiness is not a possession to be prized, it is a quality of thought, a state of mind. ~Daphne Du Maurier, English Writer


In the comments...Toast to all things that make you happy. Cheers!