Lately my emotional cup has been over full and spilling down the sides. I'm drenched in emotion and I need to wring out my head so I can make room for a refill. I love my husband dearly. I really do. But I often do not like him. AT ALL. And the conflicting feelings I have towards him sometimes make me feel like a crazy person. One minute I want to hold him tight and love all over him and the next I'm plotting my escape route. I just wonder if this really is the way its going to be, forever. God, help me if it is. (Or at least answer that prayer about him putting his toothbrush away). Sigh.
I don't want to go back to work. I really don't. I think I should stay home until Micah starts going to school. I shouldn't have to leave him in someone else's care (even if it is my sister) just because that is the way it is supposed to be. He should be with his mommy.
I get real pissed off when people come over to MY HOUSE and look at me cross eyed when I need to feed the baby. Breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world yet so many people are offended by it because this fucked up society we live in has taught us that a woman's breast should only be exposed for sexual reasons. No, I'm not just popping it out in front of anyone and everyone. I am discreet and will cover up when necessary. But I will not get up and leave the room in my own house because someone is ignorant. Especially when its an uninvited guest. Screw that, if my baby is hungry I'm going to feed him. And when I'm in the comfort of my own home, anyone who doesn't like it can get the hell out.
I'm still extremely overwhelmed over my baby boy. I still hold him tight and cry because I don't even know how to express to him how much I love him. I wonder if there is any way he'll ever know how deep my love for him is. Maybe one day when he has a child of his own he'll understand. But I'm all about instant gratification. So for now, I'm just trying to give him love in every possible way that I know how. Because of Micah, I get it. I really get it.
Even though I've only managed to empty my cup about a quarter of he way, I better stop. In the comments, what's overflowing your cup these days?
23 comments:
Awww Nina...I will get home as soon as I can to give you a hug! These feelings are all VERY natural. And who can help but to love the little Micah Man when he is so freaking adorable?!?!?
What's overflowing MY cup? Financial woes, this depressing economy, parenting issues.......and the feelings of love in the air :-)
Tera~ Micah is adorable, isn't he?!?!?1 LOVE HIM!!!!!!
Your feelings of love should overshadow everything else, for sure!
What you're feeling is so normal, especially with the not wanting to leave your baby thing. I promise you, it is so much harder on you than him. He will most likely enjoy spending the time with your sister so much. While my boys have always been so happy to see me at the end of the day, they've also never had a hard time telling me bye...or sometimes just running off without even bothering to say bye.
And, AMEN! about the breastfeeding. My in-laws (sis and parents) came to stay with us a few weeks after LMX was born. I briefly considered trying to cover up, but it was still too early in the trials of breastfeeding for me to worry about anything like that, especially in my own home. If they were looking, they've all gotten eye fulls of my boobs because I was determined to heal the cracked and bleeding nipples with some quality airing out, which worked far better than any lanolin goop. I'm slightly more discreet out in public, but I will not cover my baby's head with a blanket; I may cover my exposed skin with it, but not my baby's face. Thankfully, I've not gotten any weird looks from people.
Wishing my ex would accept his very minor (or go for the previous and preferable non-existent) role in my boys' lives is what's overflowing my cup right now.
woo-woo~You're probably right about it being harder on me. But that doesn't make be feel any better!!!
I was right there with you when my nipples were going through that drama too! I will cover him with a blanket in certain situations, i.e. my husband's family functions...there are just far too many perverted uncles wandering around!
I'm wishing that my step-son's mother would accept her role as well...the little league season ends tomorrow. The "real" mom has not made it to ONE SINGLE GAME. She's been too busy. Nice.
Oh my, the hormones, the hormones. I am so all over that, you do not even KNOW. And I did NOT just have a child. I'm on the downside of that whole experience; that's my excuse and I'm sticking with it.
Nance~Seriously, almost 3 months later its still the hormones? And here I thought I could go to the doctor and get some happy pills, damn.
Hi Nina,
I saw your comment on Tera's blog and decided to drop by and tell you where to read my buddies blog in person. He's at http://schprock-talk.blogspot.com/. I'll warn you that he has been quite busy and hasn't kept up as of late, but he is, in my opinion, one of the best bloggers. Dig through is archives a little to get a feel. Better than his writing are his comments. I don't know how he does it, but he always finds something funny to say about anything.
Ok, as to your post here (by the way, love your style) I am totally with you on the breastfeeding topic. Kids should never have to suffer other people's ignorance. We are raising two boys, and each was breast fed. My wife would sometimes feed him in restaurants, which made me really nervous. I did my famous human curtain act when she did. I love our country, but dang sometimes we are way too uptight.
I saw your description of yourself as a conservative democrat. It think that sums me up pretty well too. I used to like the pres, but he has made way too many mistakes and continues to make them.
Nina - all i can say is i have the same feelings for my husband and my last baby was almost 8 years ago. i think it is something we all go thru when we have someone else in our lives to care for besides them.
I have faith that you will work it all out..and trust me your little man knows how much you love him even if you think he doesnt.
My cup is over flowing with stress about money, upcoming beach trip and finding my husband a job!
Scott~ Thanks for popping in! You'll soon see that I am much like your friend, I have a hard time posting on a regular basis too! My new little one keeps me plenty busy! But I will check out his page and gig away when I get some time.
I've not fed the baby at a restaurant table yet. But the time will come, I'm sure. And my husband will be super uncomfortable and he'll swear that he's not. And I'll have my "right to breastfeed" card handy (which states the OH law giving mothers the right to breastfeed in public) for any idiot who even THINKS about giving me a hard time :)
I NEVER liked Bush. I hope we can still be friends. LOL.
Belle~You're going to the beach!?!?! I'm super jealous!!! Oh what I would give to sit and listen to the water and get a tan!!! My family reunion is actually in Myrtle Beach this year. I'm not going because the baby is too young to hang out on the beach with me all day and I refuse to be so close to the ocean and be stuck in a hotel. Plus, it would be a pretty expensive trip. Money, is there ever enough?
Good luck on with the job search!
Gurl,
I so felt this way with my son...i loved him so much i would just cry...i couldn't even sleep well when he was in the bassinett or the crib and had to lift him out and lay him on my chest so i could feel his heartbeat and he could feel mine, so nothing would ever happen to him, and he always knew i was close by. Even when he was much older, he still couldn't go to sleept with out laying on my stomach or next to me, and then i would carry him to his bed, every night until i could barely lift him and his feet were hanging down to my knees. A mothers love is such, at least that's what i felt. Great post. Hope you are feeling better.
Miz~I love sleeping with my baby. And you know what, that is the one thing I swore I wasn't going to do!!! But now that he's here I just think, why shouldn't he sleep with me?!? If that is what makes us most comfortable, why not? I hate when people tell me how he's going to be in my bed until he's 12 since I let him sleep there now. I just say, I hope not. But too bad if he is :)
Just a major lack of inspiration as far as artistic creativity, and a lot of background reading to fill up the time.
Several years ago, one of my African cousins came to visit, baby in tow. When she needed to breast feed, she just did it and no one really cared.
Kofi~ Sounds like you need to find a new muse, eh?
Thanks for stopping by!
Though I've never been married, I've felt like a CRAAAAZZZEEYYY person when it comes to my relationship with my current mate (my son's father) on and off, so yes, God will help you to stick with your man, nothing strange about relationship ups and downs,just the people who don't admit to them....
And breast feeding, I remember that too...yuck,it was very painful for me, didn't care about what people thought while feeding, I felt like an exhibit when i was pregnant, I had been neckade so many times in front of strangers, drs, nurses, family, etc, so I'll pull a titty out to feed my son in a min, and didn't give a fuck LOL
cc~thanks for stopping by!!! it is funny how you feel differently about who sees your body after giving birth, isn't it! too funny!
Nina, my cup didn't just overflow. Everything just burst out of it at once like a volcano.
I finally got tired of wondering what, when, and why. Who never really mattered, it's just the sum of everybody's crap that did it. So much for staying positive this year.
I turned my brain off last week and decided to go with the flow. I'll let d finish up the rest of our moving details. I'll let him worry about his crappy co workers...and his family.
As for the baby and the boob thing. All I ask for is that women respect themselves while they breast feed in front of others. You know, men do stare, and everyone judges if someone else has the right to expose themselves. I can see where breast feeding mothers start to think about body machanics differently, and people who can relate to those views can deal with a boob hanging out at a restaurant. But the majority of this worlds population doesn't get it. I'd be disgrete if I was in your position.
Oh, I have to go and make a dessert. fun.
By the way, sorry about my poor writing skills and spelling skills today. I'm on a tangent.
Nic~It's okay, this is a safe place for you to go off on a tangent. Vent away little grasshopper...
...I promise you that you're views on breastfeeding will change once you have a baby. Whether that be your current opinions getting stronger or they may change all together. But you'll view things differently for sure. Besides, the MAIN purpose of the breast is for a woman to feed her child, not for a man's viewing pleasure!
i would love to see the crossed eyed look on their face
maybe squirt them in the eye with some breast milk
bet they wont do it no more lol
Torrance~I did do that to my husband once just to see if I could shoot him from across the room...I can :)
my cup is running over from certainties that are uncertain...
eb~sometimes that's just the way it is, yes? Thanks for stopping by!
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