Friday, July 25 Part II

The visit went OK. Aunt Sue is very sick. She has cancer all over her body. She wouldn't disclose exactly what kind or even where it started. I'm not even sure that the source is known. My Mother went to visit her today. She'd been taken to the hospital but that is all the nursing home staff were able to tell her. It doesn't look good.

Friday, July 25 Part I

I'm getting ready to go and visit Aunt Sue. Aunt Jo got a call from Uncle Owen, Aunt Sue's husband, earlier in the week saying that Aunt Sue is sick. Apparently very sick. She's in a local nursing home going through rehab and has some "strange type of cancer". That is really all I know.

My mother is one of 4, all girls. Aunt Jo, Aunt Sue and my Mother all live right around here. Aunt Cheryll lives in TN. No one talks to Aunt Cheryll too much just because she has almost always lived out of state and doesn't visit OH too much. So they're just not too close. Well, Aunt Jo and Aunt Cheryll have some "beef" from way back when, but I really don't know (nor do I care) what all that is about. No one, and I mean, no one, talks to Aunt Sue. She's always been the "I'm better than everyone else in this family" type of person. Everyone used to tolerate her and get together at her house for the obligatory holiday gatherings. At least we did until Grandpa died and Aunt Sue spent a large amount of the other 3 sister's inheritance. See, Aunt Sue was entrusted with being the executor of the estate because she worked for a lawyer and therefore obviously knew how it should all work better than the others. And that was the end of the Aunt Sue being tolerated by the other 3 sisters. Well at least by my Mother and Aunt Jo. Who knows what Aunt Cheryll was thinking, since she wasn't really ever around. Besides, I was just a little girl when all that happened and have had to piece it all together over the years.

Going back to where I started...Aunt Sue is sick. I'm going today with Aunt Jo and Grandma to visit her. I have absolutely no idea what to expect. And thus far, I'm not having too much emotion one way or the other about the whole ordeal. I'm not heartless, I do care. Its just that I really don't know Aunt Sue anymore. I haven't seen her in about 3 years since my Mother's wedding. And before that, God only knows! If anything, I'm kind of pissed off that it's taking an illness to get everyone together. The saddest part, in all reality this may be the only time Micah ever meets his Great Aunt Sue because the elder women in this family are so damned stubborn. (I guess I know where I get it from.)

Hopefully Aunt Sue will get better. Hopefully this will be enough to open up the eyes of this family. Hopefully this can be a sprinboard for the Sisters to start acting like sisters. Hopefully we can all appreciate life, at least a little bit more, after today.

Nas~Sly Fox

This is why I love Nas.

Seriously, this man should probably have HIS nuts cut off. Comments like that really make me wonder what the hell is going on in this country. And of course he's apologizing. And of course he's a supporter of Obama. He just didn't realize that his mic was on. Well duh!! I'm sure he wouldn't say such ignorant things had he known his mic was on. Give me a break. And he calls himself a reverend. The reverends I know don't go around talking about cutting people's nuts off.

Flooded With Feelings

Lately my emotional cup has been over full and spilling down the sides. I'm drenched in emotion and I need to wring out my head so I can make room for a refill.

I love my husband dearly. I really do. But I often do not like him. AT ALL. And the conflicting feelings I have towards him sometimes make me feel like a crazy person. One minute I want to hold him tight and love all over him and the next I'm plotting my escape route. I just wonder if this really is the way its going to be, forever. God, help me if it is. (Or at least answer that prayer about him putting his toothbrush away). Sigh.

I don't want to go back to work. I really don't. I think I should stay home until Micah starts going to school. I shouldn't have to leave him in someone else's care (even if it is my sister) just because that is the way it is supposed to be. He should be with his mommy.

I get real pissed off when people come over to MY HOUSE and look at me cross eyed when I need to feed the baby. Breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world yet so many people are offended by it because this fucked up society we live in has taught us that a woman's breast should only be exposed for sexual reasons. No, I'm not just popping it out in front of anyone and everyone. I am discreet and will cover up when necessary. But I will not get up and leave the room in my own house because someone is ignorant. Especially when its an uninvited guest. Screw that, if my baby is hungry I'm going to feed him. And when I'm in the comfort of my own home, anyone who doesn't like it can get the hell out.

I'm still extremely overwhelmed over my baby boy. I still hold him tight and cry because I don't even know how to express to him how much I love him. I wonder if there is any way he'll ever know how deep my love for him is. Maybe one day when he has a child of his own he'll understand. But I'm all about instant gratification. So for now, I'm just trying to give him love in every possible way that I know how. Because of Micah, I get it. I really get it.

Even though I've only managed to empty my cup about a quarter of he way, I better stop. In the comments, what's overflowing your cup these days?

Have You Ever...

...Went to the fridge, found the milk spoiled and put it back? This seems to be a regular occurrence at my house. And no, it's not ME! I happen to hate milk. I think it stinks regardless of it's freshness. But WHY on earth wouldn't one just throw it away? What is the point of putting it back? Does it have to do with living in a house full of males? If I'm being honest here, this happens with WAY more than milk and it really pisses me off. Is the male species truly untrainable?

...Lied to your spouse/significant other just to avoid certain topics of conversation? I have to admit that I do this occasionally to Jason. Why? I just don't want to hear "it" sometimes. Jason has this disease, chronic sloppiness with acute paper collection disorder. So I have learned over the years to not bitch at him about picking up after himself. I'll do it, no problem. And I put things where I think they need to be, in the TRASH!!! When he says "Honey, have you seen that pamphlet I got from Home Depot?" I simply say, "No, I don't even know what you're talking about. Sorry!" I used to say, "Oh, you mean the...yes, I threw it away. It sat on the counter for 2 weeks. I figured you didn't want it." And that would just cause him to get all kinds of pissed off and walk around for a couple of hours mumbling under his breath about how a "mutha fucka can't have shit around here. Nina throws everything away just cause she thinks its junk..."

...Had a blog crush? From talking who people who blog, I've decided this is quite common. I think. Especially when the blogger starts having private conversations with their readers via email. Is this just a naughty pleasure or completely unacceptable?

In the comments, be honest :)

Ramblings....

Just need to spew a few thoughts from my head...

...I was sitting outside visiting a neighbor today and all of a sudden a car full of teenagers pulls out of the garage next door and parks in the street. My neighbor and I laugh because they are skipping school and I say jokingly that I bet they were getting high. Well not five seconds later the wind blows and a familiar smell of a certain plant waffs our way. We look over and here comes the neighbor boy looking awfully glossy eyed and Michelle says, "Hey Jake, you should be a little more discreet next time!" I add, "Yeah Jake, we can smell it over here!" He gives us the "Huh?" look and really doesn't respond. Am I surprised? No. Not really. Lots of kids experiment with weed. Hell, they probably took it from Jake's step-dad's stash. He's quite the pot head. And no, I'm not going to tell his parents. Why? Because his mother believes that her son can do no wrong and always places blame on the kids he's hanging out with. My point. I hope I don't ever become that mother. I hope that I can teach my children not to even try drugs at all. But more than anything, I hope if a neighbor or friend ever sees one of my kids doing in appropriate things, they'll tell me...

...Who ever know one could get so excited about having 3 1/2 hours of sleep with no interruptions...

...There was a news segment on the other night about how to make a little money from your blog by using Google's AdSense. I thought wow, that's cool! I'm going to go add that to my page!! But then I remembered that I've lost practically all of my readers since I quit posting frequently so there would never be anyone around to click on the ads and then I'd never make any money. So scratch that. I guess I'll have to go back to work. Someday.